Sustainability

I understand the concept of impermanence means that nothing lasts forever. We may get angry, we may get upset, but eventually we get over it. I get that. But even with that in mind I find it amazing that it’s like that not only with my emotions, but also with most of my interests.

It’s astounding if I were to count the number of interests I’ve collected over the past few years: running, photography, filmography, cooking, videogames, reading, writing, working out, yoga, meditation, et cetera. But whilst this list may seem diverse and definitely adds depth to my already quirky personality, the fact is I’m simply and abruptly hopping from one hobby to another. Out of all the interests mentioned above, I literally never finish any of my well-intended projects I initally set out to do.

Sometime last year I once passionately wanted to be a chef, but the dry weather hit and my skin was too bothersome to cook for extended periods of time. So I started reading books, like shit tons of books, and that’s when I started writing short stories thinking, “Hey, I’m a funny guy. I should be a writer.”

Then winter came along and I started taking photography for the holiday season, only to be hit on an idea for a short video. Great, let’s go with it. Hey it turned out pretty well, maybe I should do another one but I miss running so I’m going to sign up for a gym membership. What did you say? It comes with four free personal training sessions? Why, sure I’ll sign up for that too. That’s how I got into working out but I still can’t touch my toes. I’m sure the free yoga classes will be helpful. Man, this yoga teacher sure is deep with his weekly life lessons, maybe I need to look more into that. Maybe I need to sit around in silence and calm my mind a bit, it’s vipassana meditation you say? Sure, let’s give that a shot.

Suddenly from one to another and my week is now filled with things to do, no, intentions of things to do. I wanted to do so many things this weekend, but I ended up not doing anything not because I need some time off, but that i’m just suddenly unwilling to do anything. Laziness has finally caught up with me (though I doubt it ever left my side), and now i’m hitting a wall.

I don’t think the issues with my hobbies are not so much with impermanence as it is with sustainability. As hard headed as I am with finding a monogamous relationship (pretty tough in the gay community, imho), I am ridiculously non-commital with just about everything else in life. I swing from one interest to another, I have my “career of the week” and my house is always empty because I basically throw everything away (good for non-attachments, bad for tax audits). I mean, I can’t even commit to a phone contract. I’ve wanted to go to grad school since my graduation and I’m still unable to settle down to any particular field of study five years later. It’s kinda ridiculous what a “player” I am in life.

And with that I feel like i’m burning the midnight oil. I gotta slow down and smell all the roses around me before I burn the whole place down.