In Validation: Velvet Rage

Friday, 22 May 2009 in Feelings, General
Tags: alan downs, authenticity, book, gay men, helplessness, insecurities, loneliness, psychology, self-help, validation, velvet rage

In the past week I’ve been recommended to read The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man’s World, by Alan Downs, Ph.D.

This post is about this book, but since I am going to talk about how this book is relating directly to me, this post will not be a review of the book.

The whole concept of the book is that because we grew up in this environment where we were always a little different from everybody else, we end up internalising that difference as something disgusting, aberrant, and essentially unlovable. Because of that, we have secretly yearned for some sort of approval, or as referred to this book as validations. We yearn to be the perfect child, and one who is quick to think on his feet in order to gain more compliments and to compensate our otherwise shameful view of ourselves.

By the time we realised and have accepted that we are gay, a stage that is arduous by itself, we are already so used to the façade we had been putting up and are ready to be on the defensive side at a moment’s notice. The thing is, this façade do not suddenly disappear when we come out because we’re already so used to feeling unacceptably flawed that we don’t know when to drop our guards down. At this stage we’re already so used to hiding behind something, may that be in music, design, bodybuilding or anything in between in order to build this beautiful image telling the world that “we have our shits together” when we really do not. Because this façade was specifically built to hide our flaws and shortcoming, all the validations and compliments we have been receiving in life seem inauthentic because even though we have accepted that we are gay, there are still a lot of shame within us.

The book covered a lot more, but the gist of it was that in order to move toward authenticity, in order to move past our self-doubts, hopelessness and loneliness, we must first tear down the many walls we spent years building. Let go of this perceived perfection that we’re so well put together, stop hiding our shame through the many failed relationships, because only then will our true selves come out and only then will the compliments and validations from others become authentic.

Only with authentic validations from others will that give us the confidence and to overcome our shame. Only by overcoming our shame would we be ready to truly accept who we are and start welcoming positive experiences into our lives — passion, love and integrity.

Even as I write in all of this there’s a hint of self-doubt of where I currently am and if I’m ever going to be ready for authenticity. While not everything in this book resonate with me completely, that I would hide shame through meaningless sex or that my wall was built on superficial means, it is undoubtedly true that i’ve been turning away the good things in my life just so I can stay within my comfort zone (and in this case with my fears and insecurities).

This book did help me identify myriad patterns in my behaviours and made me more aware with the things that I do and say to myself. I’m slowly realising that i’m not perfect; then again, nobody is.