You Rocked My World

For those who know me knows how much I loved Michael Jackson, so I’m not going to go out of my way to pinpoint to the world how much his death has affected me.

His past few years had been a joke to the world as people continually mocked and smeared him, but now everyone is suddenly affected and that they in fact love him and miss him? That’s bullshit.

In a way it brought a smile to my face, that he finally stopped being a joke and became a symbol. Something no one can touch. And as I was decompressing today, walking around the city, his music never sounded better. I never loved him more.

You rocked my world, MJ, and you will for the rest of my life.

Insecurities and Imperfections

From Wit:

Hello Strangers

It’s been a while, mostly because I was trying to strike a balance between being cathartic and being too fixated of my day-to-day emotions.

So has anyone ever pondered how wonderful water is? I seriously think about that on a daily basis. Think about it, what else can not only keep us alive and turn into completely different states based on different temperatures?

It cooks food when boiling and defrosts when it’s running. It washes away dirt and hot water cuts out the grease. On top of that, and this thought came to mind when I was cooking the other day, should my stew be too salty I can simply remedy that by adding water; alternatively should it be too thin we can easily set the stove on high and the flavor will intensify as the water evaporates.

It’s almost like magic.

061009: My Workspace at Work

My Workspace at Work, originally uploaded by Love Wins.

Felt like sharing my desktop space at work here… I’ve always found the PC’s color scheme to be too intrusive, especially when I used to do a lot of color correction in Photoshop, so this is a way for me to focus better by muting away most colors.

The purple color was added (before it was green) and of course it’s a layman version of Leopard.

Total Eclipse of the Heart: Literal Video

Holy crap this is amazing.

In Validation: Velvet Rage

In the past week I’ve been recommended to read The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man’s World, by Alan Downs, Ph.D.

This post is about this book, but since I am going to talk about how this book is relating directly to me, this post will not be a review of the book.

The whole concept of the book is that because we grew up in this environment where we were always a little different from everybody else, we end up internalising that difference as something disgusting, aberrant, and essentially unlovable. Because of that, we have secretly yearned for some sort of approval, or as referred to this book as validations. We yearn to be the perfect child, and one who is quick to think on his feet in order to gain more compliments and to compensate our otherwise shameful view of ourselves.

By the time we realised and have accepted that we are gay, a stage that is arduous by itself, we are already so used to the façade we had been putting up and are ready to be on the defensive side at a moment’s notice. The thing is, this façade do not suddenly disappear when we come out because we’re already so used to feeling unacceptably flawed that we don’t know when to drop our guards down. At this stage we’re already so used to hiding behind something, may that be in music, design, bodybuilding or anything in between in order to build this beautiful image telling the world that “we have our shits together” when we really do not. Because this façade was specifically built to hide our flaws and shortcoming, all the validations and compliments we have been receiving in life seem inauthentic because even though we have accepted that we are gay, there are still a lot of shame within us.

The book covered a lot more, but the gist of it was that in order to move toward authenticity, in order to move past our self-doubts, hopelessness and loneliness, we must first tear down the many walls we spent years building. Let go of this perceived perfection that we’re so well put together, stop hiding our shame through the many failed relationships, because only then will our true selves come out and only then will the compliments and validations from others become authentic.

Only with authentic validations from others will that give us the confidence and to overcome our shame. Only by overcoming our shame would we be ready to truly accept who we are and start welcoming positive experiences into our lives — passion, love and integrity.

Even as I write in all of this there’s a hint of self-doubt of where I currently am and if I’m ever going to be ready for authenticity. While not everything in this book resonate with me completely, that I would hide shame through meaningless sex or that my wall was built on superficial means, it is undoubtedly true that i’ve been turning away the good things in my life just so I can stay within my comfort zone (and in this case with my fears and insecurities).

This book did help me identify myriad patterns in my behaviours and made me more aware with the things that I do and say to myself. I’m slowly realising that i’m not perfect; then again, nobody is.

051509: Darkness

Darkness, originally uploaded by Love Wins.

I haven’t been writing much here lately, for fear that I’d just be running in circles and drowning myself in emotions. I suppose this picture describes me quite well in precisely a thousand words.

Generosity has a dark side,
Reputation has a vulnerability,
Isolation has a spotlight on me.

Don’t worry, I’ll get better once I’ve found my spark.

Idea inspired by Darren Haye’s Tension and the Spark

Sora 575

Sora 575 will be the title of my next microfilmmaking project — Coming soon!

(Click here to learn more about my mfmp or if you have not already seen the previous one.)

Myer Briggs: ISFJ

ISFJ – “Conservator”. Desires to be of service and to minister to individual needs – very loyal. 13.8% of total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

As an ISFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you takes things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.

ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people’s feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best.

ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after the event occured, if the situation made an impression on the ISFJ.

光 – A Work in Progress

A few weeks ago, i posted an entry on how I had this alternate badass image of myself dying to come out. With that I wanted a leather jacket, a chain, and maybe a tattoo.

Well it’s been a few weeks, and most of that has subsided… except for the tattoo. I’ve put a lot of thought about what would be meaningful for me, or even where it would be located.

If you’ve been following this blog, you’ve noticed that I’ve mentioned time and time again with this idea of The Tension and the Spark. It’s basically this idea that with every challenge comes the frustration and tension of being in the dark, but eventually there’ll be this end of the tunnel, this spark, that often comes unexpected yet at the right time.

What’s more is that the Japanese word for light (or in this case spark) is pronounced as “Hikari,” which is also the name of one of my favourite artists who has shaped me into who I am today — Utada Hikaru / 宇多田光. (The other would be Rufus Wainwright.)

And that’s why I think i’m pretty settled on a tattoo of this word: 光. I cannot say that I’m quite at the spark stage in life yet, but that is where I’m aiming toward and with that my tattoo should be a representation of that, whenever i finally do feel ready.