That Day (and it’s beautiful)

Natalie Imbruglia’s sophomore album, White Lilies Island, has been out for seven years and is just as good today. This is easily one of my top ten albums of all time.

Well that day, that day
What a mess, what a marvel
I walked into that cloud again and I lost myself
And I’m sad, sad, sad, small, alone, scared
Craving purity, a fragile mind
And a gentle spirit

That day, that day
What a marvelous mess
This is all I can do, I’m done, to be me
Sad, scared, small, alone, beautiful
It’s supposed to be like this
I accept everything
It’s supposed to be like this

That day, that day
I lay down beside myself
In this feeling of pain, sadness, scared, small
Climbing, crawling towards the light
And it’s all that I see
And I’m tired and I’m right
And I’m wrong and it’s beautiful

That day, that day
What a mess, what a marvel
We’re all the same and no one thinks so
And it’s OK
And I’m small and I’m divine and it’s beautiful
And it’s coming and already here
And it’s absolutely perfect

Well that day, that day
When everything was a mess
And everything was in place
And there’s too much hurt, sad, small
Scared, alone and everyone’s a cynic
And it’s hard and it’s sweet
But it’s supposed to be like this

Well that day, that day
When I sat in the sun
And I thought and I cried ‘cos I’m sad
Scared, small, alone, strong
And I’m nothing and I’m true
Only a brave man can break through
And it’s all OK, yeah it’s OK

So sweet, can I feel it
Are you here, are you here with me
I can feel it and it’s beautiful

That day, that day

Sustainability

I understand the concept of impermanence means that nothing lasts forever. We may get angry, we may get upset, but eventually we get over it. I get that. But even with that in mind I find it amazing that it’s like that not only with my emotions, but also with most of my interests.

It’s astounding if I were to count the number of interests I’ve collected over the past few years: running, photography, filmography, cooking, videogames, reading, writing, working out, yoga, meditation, et cetera. But whilst this list may seem diverse and definitely adds depth to my already quirky personality, the fact is I’m simply and abruptly hopping from one hobby to another. Out of all the interests mentioned above, I literally never finish any of my well-intended projects I initally set out to do.

Sometime last year I once passionately wanted to be a chef, but the dry weather hit and my skin was too bothersome to cook for extended periods of time. So I started reading books, like shit tons of books, and that’s when I started writing short stories thinking, “Hey, I’m a funny guy. I should be a writer.”

Then winter came along and I started taking photography for the holiday season, only to be hit on an idea for a short video. Great, let’s go with it. Hey it turned out pretty well, maybe I should do another one but I miss running so I’m going to sign up for a gym membership. What did you say? It comes with four free personal training sessions? Why, sure I’ll sign up for that too. That’s how I got into working out but I still can’t touch my toes. I’m sure the free yoga classes will be helpful. Man, this yoga teacher sure is deep with his weekly life lessons, maybe I need to look more into that. Maybe I need to sit around in silence and calm my mind a bit, it’s vipassana meditation you say? Sure, let’s give that a shot.

Suddenly from one to another and my week is now filled with things to do, no, intentions of things to do. I wanted to do so many things this weekend, but I ended up not doing anything not because I need some time off, but that i’m just suddenly unwilling to do anything. Laziness has finally caught up with me (though I doubt it ever left my side), and now i’m hitting a wall.

I don’t think the issues with my hobbies are not so much with impermanence as it is with sustainability. As hard headed as I am with finding a monogamous relationship (pretty tough in the gay community, imho), I am ridiculously non-commital with just about everything else in life. I swing from one interest to another, I have my “career of the week” and my house is always empty because I basically throw everything away (good for non-attachments, bad for tax audits). I mean, I can’t even commit to a phone contract. I’ve wanted to go to grad school since my graduation and I’m still unable to settle down to any particular field of study five years later. It’s kinda ridiculous what a “player” I am in life.

And with that I feel like i’m burning the midnight oil. I gotta slow down and smell all the roses around me before I burn the whole place down.

Water, cont’d

A couple months back and strictly out of being random, I wrote a post on how wonderful water is. It boils, condenses, cleanses and dilutes like nothing else on earth. Yes, i’m repeating myself.

But in a way water also represents human nature. Ebbs and flows aside, no matter how angry, happy, jealous, depressed, shameful, proud or satisfied we may be at that moment, we ultimately remain who we are at the end of the day. We may be angry and have steam shooting out, depressed like the rain or even experience hopelessness as our heart turn to ice, but at the end of the day the storm will calm as our mood will revert back to a clear liquid, still as a mirror reflecting from within.

There are good news even in the worst of storms: The heavy rainfall we’ve been experiencing in the Bay Area had caused major traffic delays not only in freeways but also for most public transportations. The normal train going to the city has been cut short from 10-car to 4-car alongside a 20 minute delay, but today upon returning to my car I noticed the rain had given it the deepest, cleanest wash in recent months.

Cloud in the sky; water in the vase
雲在青天水在瓶

24

Some time during my college years, it occurred to me that time was passing faster than ever, and since then 24 hours has never been enough in a day. It’s not just that i was having fun, but the simple truth that there is so much to do. Talk about broadening my perspective.

In Chinese medicine, there’s this herbal soup that would supposedly detox your body and would boost your immune system. Simply named as 24-flavour (廿四味), the soup is anything but. Well, even if it has twenty-four flavour, it would be twenty-four distinctive flavours of crap.

It wouldn’t do it justice to say that my life is hectic. Because it’s really not, but it is filled with a lot of different, if not unrelated, fragments. If sleep takes up one-third of my life and work takes up another, the remaining third would be a series of clusters of miscellaneous. In between working out, yoga, meditation, reading, writing, cooking and photography (the last two i really ought to get back in), there’s hardly any more time for anything else within a day’s duration. The good thing is that all of the above are dedicated solely to myself and not for anybody elses. It’s selfish, but i believe it’s necessary.

Besides slowly getting back into updating this blog, my friend from Hong Kong and I are also collaborating on a new Chinese blog. The idea of that literary blog is so fresh and different that it’s hard not to be excited about it. I’ve written some posts in Chinese on here before, and the new blog is similar to those but with more personality. If you can read Chinese, please feel free to head over there and let me know what you think.

We have 24 hours in time, 24 flavours in life.
時間有廿四個小時，生命有廿四種味道。

Don’t Call it a Comeback

It really wasn’t until I stumbled onto my own blog today did I realise how grossly different I currently feel compared to the last time I had updated my blog. I was depressed, I admitted that and thought a hiatus would help.

Well, I suppose it did.

I distinctively remember the hopelessness I had felt when I posted Happiness a few months ago. When people would casually ask me “How are you?”, it was hard not to blurt out “I’m a wreck!”… Yet here I am, unable to imagine how I could ever feel so lost, so small.

The point of this post isn’t to be cathartic, nor emo, but a rather quick update that I am still alive. And well. I never planned on abandoning this blog, given that it had always been my baby. Sorry, technically it is now a tween.

For those who may be lost, here’s a Chinese saying that may help you gain a broader perspective and have an easier time letting things go in life:

不錯過任何挑逗，也不為任何人守候
Do not resist what may come, but do not bide for anyone